Easier without dreams

I'm pretty close to a depression, I feel. But I think I've been a little depressed earlier in fact.
Sure, there are those who have it much worse, and there are more than me who have it like this, but that doesn't make it easier for me, and it doesn't give me more money.
I'm almost 30, and then I'll probably panic. I'll probably will soon. One reason is that I really don't want to get old, I don't want to die. Another reason is that I start getting too old for some things I want to do.
Just because I finally decided to follow my dreams, and so there is a huge obstacle called money. NOW when I actually want to try, for it to actually happen something someday, no I can not because I have no money. I should have started after High School, but I never did.
Because it's much easier to dream and desire, than to actually do it. And now that I actually decided to try, before I get too old, then you can't! I can't even afford to go to auditions here. Don't understand why I sent an audition video to the USA, because I have zero chance, although I can see myself in that particular role. But I'm hardly good enough. I'm not the kind that slides in on a banana ....
I've been on some casting sites for some years now, but almost did not look for anything. Have either been thinking that I can't afford, or that I work and it might not be so easy to take time off, especially if it's only as an Extra, and you get to know on short notice. And I know that you can ... I will never get to do something, just because I have done so little, and because I can't afford to go!
Then other dreams and things you want ... I want a horse. Is it really too much to ask? I want to go some educations. Is it really too much to ask? I want to start it back up, get the educations in order to offer more. Is it really too much to ask?
It is clearly not meant for me to be something!
I will probably never get to publish some of my books either. I will never get my scripts made into films. Everything I write will just be for me. I won't be surprised.
I will not just sit there when I'm 60 and regret everything I didn' do. I'll be thinking of things I wanted to do, but couldn't, just because I had no money.
I have to get out of not daring and being afraid of not being good enough, and try following my dreams, before it really is too late. But how the heck do you do that when there is no money! Damn that things costs so damn much!
It's obvious that I'm going to be something.