A new crush

I got a new crush. It´s kind of fun to be interested in someone again. But nothing will happen, cause I will probably never see him again.
The last 3 weeks of my summer job I cleaned student apartments/rooms, just like the first 2 weeks. Now there were two painters there painting the house facades. One of them is about my age, very cute and seems nice. And I realized after a little while that I have a crush on him.
I haven´t talked to him much, but we´ve said hello when we have walked by each other or he have been outside the apartment I´m going in to. The first timme he said hello he was walking to the short side of the house he was painting, and he looked at me for a few seconds before he said hello. And after that we`ve always said hello when we´ve passed each other. One time he didn´t say hello, when he and the other guy was walking to the house they painted at the beginning of the street and I was going to an apartment at the end of the street, but then I gave him a little smile.
I wish I had talked a litte to him, just asking how it´s going o something like that. I mean, that doesn´t mean anything, but maybe I kind of could have seen if he liked me or not. Now I have no idea. And I will pobably never see him again since I worked my last day last Friday.
Today me and my sister walked through that street, I wanted to see him again, and had decided to try and ask him out. But I didn´t even see him. It was raining but we did see one girl painting. But this guy wasn´t there, so I couldn´t even try. I`m going to try on Wednesday again, but if he´s not there then either, I will probably enver see him again.
I don´t want to like someone I`m not going to see. I´m finally interested in someone again, I decided to talk to him and take a chance and ask him out, and just because of that I didn´t see him. Maybe it was just a summer job for him too. I hope not..

Great time in Spain

On Wednesday we went to Spain. The flying went well and itwasn´t as bad as I thought it would be. But the landing took forever and at one point I just felt that I wanted to be on the ground. R tried to scare me, and I think he scared himself too. He said he had respect for flying, and on Saturday when we talked about it, I think we talked about the flight home, and he said that he had been scared. Well, I would probably have scared myself too, if I had done like him and talked about birds flying into the engines, and what height we needed to survive if we crashed and stuff like that.
When we had landed at the airport in Alicante and got our rental cars we drove around for about 3 hours trying to find the house we were going to stay in. R said he knew where we were going but obviously he didn´t. We drove around a lot when we were in Spain, cause he didn´t know were we were going most of the time, even if he said he did.
We tanned and swam, did a very short shopping trip cause we didn´t have time since it took us so long to get to the mall. We had a five course dinne at the Benidorm palace and watched a great show. The dancers were really good and it was a good mix of Flamenco, seventies inspired and dance like that. I think it was mostly Flamenco though. No surprise there, it was Spain :) I really enjoyed the show and so did my co-workers that I went to Spain with. It was a little sad we weren´t allowed to take pictures during the show though. I would have wanted some pictures.
I bought a suitcase in Spain, cause my bag had a little hole in the zip. J and I think it was L and maybe K too thought I should by a suitcase but I had thought about it, since my dad wanted me to buy some whiskey for him too. He wanted 3 bottles, but I didn´t find what he wanted so he had to settle with one. I probably didn´t have to buy a suitcase, but I did anyway. On Saturday when we wnet to see a church and eat at a resturant and walk around a small market I guess you can call it, and looked it the shops, I bought a nice necklace. So at least I bought something fun.
The house we stayed in was very nice and had a pool, but I wouldn´t want to live in that house. Stay for a short period of time, sure, but not live there. It had no garden, and it wasn`t that easy to drive upp that hill.
I think I would have wanted to stay one more day or two, but at the same time it was nice to come again. And now that I know I can do the flying, I´m sure I will try to go abroad again soon.
Some of the things that happened while we were in Spain feels like they`ve happened before, or something like it. But I´m pretty used to that by now.

Apparently you´re not supposed to want things

Well, at least not if you`re me.
I´ve been held back for so many years, but now that I actually want to try things and have the courage to, it´s like I can`t. I have a 9 month old dog, and I´ve wanted a dog for almost 7 years, from the time we had to put our other dog to sleep. Now I´m really happy that I got him.
But it´s like he is keeping me from doing things in a way. Since if I go somewhere, my parents have to take care of him. I have asked them, but I don´t want them to feel obligated.
I want to see if I can get an internship at one or two teen magazines, but I probably wont. Cause then they ahve to take care of him. The´ve kind of said that I should go if I want to, or my mom anyway. but at the same time they don´t want me to.
And I will pobably have to live on my savings from my summer job. But I think I can do that for a month or two. I just need a place to live. But they seem to think I will go there and then see if i can get an internshi. And that is not what I have planned. Of course I have to see if I can get an internship before I go, and if I have somewhere to live.
Am I being egoistic?
I´ve been waiting for so many things for so long. I don`t want to wait for things anymore.
But I probably will.

Losing someone

I just watched an episode of One Tree Hill. Hayley and her sister lost their mother. The whole episode was filled with emotions and was so sad. I was crying. How can you not when someone is losing someone? Even if it´s just in a movie or TV show. It´s still real.
If I lost my mother, my whole world would crash. If I lost my dad or my sister my hole world would crash. I would hide in a dark corner and probably never come out. I would dig this deep black hole and stay there.
My sister is such a big part of me I don´t know what I would do if I lost her. A big part of me would be lost and I would feel so alone. Same if I lost my parents. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. The thought of losing them...