Don`t want to be lonely anymore

I don´t want to be lonely anymore. I want to find love. I feel like I´m not supposed to have someone. I`m supposed to be left without and just dream about it.

A couple of days ago I had this dream where I was taking a course of some kind. It had to do with horses. The course leader was a guy in my age that I found mysef to be interested in, but I think I understood that towards the end of the dream. A girl I worked a little with during an internship was there too, and she was his sister or ebst friend.
When the course ended there was a like a meeting to finish and when it was done everyone left the room and I walked with this girl who was his best friend/sister and talked a little to her. She told me that the course leader liked me, and apparently he was looking for me. So I told her that I was going to go back and then he could find me there.
So when he came back to the rooom I was sitting there looking in a magazine. I didn´t look up until he sat down. He told me that I had put really bad music in hos iPod and then he played me a song. I`ll be - Edwin McCain. I sai that I love that song. And I do. Shortly after that I woke up..

A day or two later I dreamt that I was interested in this cool guy that looked like Liam Hemsworth. He was good looking and popular and the kind of guy that a lot of girls want and who get almost everyone he wants. And I felt like "Is he really interested in me?"

And i I ever find someone who finds me, who falls in love with me, I will probably feel that way. "Is he really interested in me?". I don´t know what it´s like and I`m not sure I could believe it really. I´m so used of being alone. I will never be popular, and I will enver be that good looking girl that every guy wants. Not that I necessarily want to be. I jsut want someone to like me. I don`t want to be lonely anymore.

Almost a week in the apartment

It´s been lmost a week since I moved to the apartment, and it´s going better than I thought. Especially the nights. It´s not too bad going to bed at night, even if I´m alone. Now I hve my dog and I´m glad for that, it makes it a little easier to be here alone. I don´t mind being alone during the days, but I´ve never liked being home alone when it´s time for bed.
When I have lived here for awhile I´m sure I´m not going to think much about it. And even if Troy is still barking at sounds, he is much better than the first two days, so it will be easier on him too.

Poor Troy

We moved to an appartment last Monday and it´s been a little had on him. He´s used to living in a house, not an apartment. His first night here he was very anxious, couldn´t sleep, barking at sounds, wanting to play in the middle of the night. I wasn`t sleeping much either. Every time I was about to fall asleep he was barking at something.
It´s eacher for him now, he´s not as anxious, and doesn´t bark at everything. I think he is the bedroom right now, probably on his bed. He usually wants to be where I am, and if I get up or look where he is, he comes to be with me.
After our morning walk we have a cuddle and resting moment. I´m sitting on the floor and he is lying beside me or partly on me slepping. After awhile I get tired too :)

Bruno Mars - Just the way you are

This is my new favorite song. I just love it.
Doesn´t everyone want someone to sing them a song like this? I would love it if someone I like sang me this song.

Camp Rock 2 The final jam

Ever since I heard of Camp Rock 2 I`ve wanted to see it, and yesterday I was finlly able to watch it. And I love it. I think it´s better than Camp Rock, and I love the songs. I´ve had some of them stuck in my head pretty much all day.
I´m definitely going to watch it again. I saw a little of it this morning, but in Swedish and it´s never as good when it´s dubbed.
I think Demi Lovato has grown a lot and her singing voice has developed a lot. I wish I had a singing voice like hers. I think she is great. Nick Jonas has also grown a lot since the first movie. It´s been two years I think, and a lot can happen in two years, but I still wouldn´t think he is only 17. I think he looks older.
Kevin is doing a good job again, playing Jason. For some reason he is good as that kind of character. It´s the same in JONAS. I don´t know. He is just very good playing that funny stupid person.

No love for me

Since last time I was interested in a guy I´ve always thought that next time I fall for someone, it´s going to be someone who likes me too. But obviously you can`t decide that. It would be weird if you could decide who to fall in love with and who not to fall in love with. But I just want some luck, one time, that is all I ask for.
I haven´t seen the guy now for almosst 2 weeks. I saw him a little last week, and only one time, at a little distance this week, so I haven´t been able to talk to him. Just because I decided I would take a chance and ask him out. I haven´t even been able to talk to talk to the girl who is there painting, and see what she knew about him, just because I decided maybe I should try that, so at least he would know I was interested.
What should I do now? Request a song on the radio that he would probably not even listen to, and still not know how to contact me, if he would be interested in me.
Just forget it, give up and move on as fast as I can. Hopefully I will see him soon, but with my luck, or lack of luck, I will probably never see him again. Or it will take quite some time.
I feel like Tom. Like I don´t believe in love for me. I want to believe that there is someone for everyone, but I feel more like the one who is supposed to be without. I think I´ll stop believeing in love....
If there is a Faith or whatever, he/she is probablu up there somewhere, or wherever he/she is, thinking that I should be without love. I have a lot to give, but just because U really want someone, love and feel loved, I can´t get it...

A new crush

I got a new crush. It´s kind of fun to be interested in someone again. But nothing will happen, cause I will probably never see him again.
The last 3 weeks of my summer job I cleaned student apartments/rooms, just like the first 2 weeks. Now there were two painters there painting the house facades. One of them is about my age, very cute and seems nice. And I realized after a little while that I have a crush on him.
I haven´t talked to him much, but we´ve said hello when we have walked by each other or he have been outside the apartment I´m going in to. The first timme he said hello he was walking to the short side of the house he was painting, and he looked at me for a few seconds before he said hello. And after that we`ve always said hello when we´ve passed each other. One time he didn´t say hello, when he and the other guy was walking to the house they painted at the beginning of the street and I was going to an apartment at the end of the street, but then I gave him a little smile.
I wish I had talked a litte to him, just asking how it´s going o something like that. I mean, that doesn´t mean anything, but maybe I kind of could have seen if he liked me or not. Now I have no idea. And I will pobably never see him again since I worked my last day last Friday.
Today me and my sister walked through that street, I wanted to see him again, and had decided to try and ask him out. But I didn´t even see him. It was raining but we did see one girl painting. But this guy wasn´t there, so I couldn´t even try. I`m going to try on Wednesday again, but if he´s not there then either, I will probably enver see him again.
I don´t want to like someone I`m not going to see. I´m finally interested in someone again, I decided to talk to him and take a chance and ask him out, and just because of that I didn´t see him. Maybe it was just a summer job for him too. I hope not..

Great time in Spain

On Wednesday we went to Spain. The flying went well and itwasn´t as bad as I thought it would be. But the landing took forever and at one point I just felt that I wanted to be on the ground. R tried to scare me, and I think he scared himself too. He said he had respect for flying, and on Saturday when we talked about it, I think we talked about the flight home, and he said that he had been scared. Well, I would probably have scared myself too, if I had done like him and talked about birds flying into the engines, and what height we needed to survive if we crashed and stuff like that.
When we had landed at the airport in Alicante and got our rental cars we drove around for about 3 hours trying to find the house we were going to stay in. R said he knew where we were going but obviously he didn´t. We drove around a lot when we were in Spain, cause he didn´t know were we were going most of the time, even if he said he did.
We tanned and swam, did a very short shopping trip cause we didn´t have time since it took us so long to get to the mall. We had a five course dinne at the Benidorm palace and watched a great show. The dancers were really good and it was a good mix of Flamenco, seventies inspired and dance like that. I think it was mostly Flamenco though. No surprise there, it was Spain :) I really enjoyed the show and so did my co-workers that I went to Spain with. It was a little sad we weren´t allowed to take pictures during the show though. I would have wanted some pictures.
I bought a suitcase in Spain, cause my bag had a little hole in the zip. J and I think it was L and maybe K too thought I should by a suitcase but I had thought about it, since my dad wanted me to buy some whiskey for him too. He wanted 3 bottles, but I didn´t find what he wanted so he had to settle with one. I probably didn´t have to buy a suitcase, but I did anyway. On Saturday when we wnet to see a church and eat at a resturant and walk around a small market I guess you can call it, and looked it the shops, I bought a nice necklace. So at least I bought something fun.
The house we stayed in was very nice and had a pool, but I wouldn´t want to live in that house. Stay for a short period of time, sure, but not live there. It had no garden, and it wasn`t that easy to drive upp that hill.
I think I would have wanted to stay one more day or two, but at the same time it was nice to come again. And now that I know I can do the flying, I´m sure I will try to go abroad again soon.
Some of the things that happened while we were in Spain feels like they`ve happened before, or something like it. But I´m pretty used to that by now.

Apparently you´re not supposed to want things

Well, at least not if you`re me.
I´ve been held back for so many years, but now that I actually want to try things and have the courage to, it´s like I can`t. I have a 9 month old dog, and I´ve wanted a dog for almost 7 years, from the time we had to put our other dog to sleep. Now I´m really happy that I got him.
But it´s like he is keeping me from doing things in a way. Since if I go somewhere, my parents have to take care of him. I have asked them, but I don´t want them to feel obligated.
I want to see if I can get an internship at one or two teen magazines, but I probably wont. Cause then they ahve to take care of him. The´ve kind of said that I should go if I want to, or my mom anyway. but at the same time they don´t want me to.
And I will pobably have to live on my savings from my summer job. But I think I can do that for a month or two. I just need a place to live. But they seem to think I will go there and then see if i can get an internshi. And that is not what I have planned. Of course I have to see if I can get an internship before I go, and if I have somewhere to live.
Am I being egoistic?
I´ve been waiting for so many things for so long. I don`t want to wait for things anymore.
But I probably will.

Losing someone

I just watched an episode of One Tree Hill. Hayley and her sister lost their mother. The whole episode was filled with emotions and was so sad. I was crying. How can you not when someone is losing someone? Even if it´s just in a movie or TV show. It´s still real.
If I lost my mother, my whole world would crash. If I lost my dad or my sister my hole world would crash. I would hide in a dark corner and probably never come out. I would dig this deep black hole and stay there.
My sister is such a big part of me I don´t know what I would do if I lost her. A big part of me would be lost and I would feel so alone. Same if I lost my parents. We have a great relationship and I love them very much. The thought of losing them...

Tokio Hotel Humanoid City Live DVD

I can´t wait for that DVD. I think it´s great that they recorded the show, and I can´t wait to see it again. It´s always nice when you can see a show that you really like whenever you like. And I think I will watch it several times. I really enjoyed the show. Too bad H is not here to relive it with me :) She was very good company for the concert :)
They will also release a live album at the same time as the DVD
They just released a new music video, for Dark side of the sun. I don´t know how many times I`ve watched the video, and everytime I wish I could go back to Stockholm and the concert.
When Tom started playing, he is just so great at playing the guitar. And to actually see how much they love being on stage. I can`t imagine them doing anything else.
I have pre-ordered the DVD, and I can´t wait til I get it.

How can you recognize something you haven´t seen?

Sometimes when I watch a movie I recognize things. Some times you remember you have seen the movie before, but sometimes it´s the first time you see it. It has happened several times, and I´m sure it will happen several more times.
Like, I recognize things from Avatar. And when I saw it was the first time I saw it. I was supposed to see it at the movies with my sister, but we never did. I saw it with a friend, and there were some parts that felt a little familiar. And when I thought about the movie afterwards I recognized things. Like the end when Neytiri goes to Jack and find him on the floor and gives him oxygen. And they lay their hand on the other one´s cheek and say " I see you" I know I have seen that before, but it was the first time I saw the movie. But I really recognized it. I have seen it before. Somehow.
And I think I recognize some things from Prince of Persia. But the same there, it was the first time I saw the movie. I know some things were in the trailer, but the things I recognize that weren´t?
It so weird when you watch a movie and you recognize things, but you shouldn´t, cause you´ve never seen it before.
Can someone explain?

Prince of Persia

Last night me, my sister and our friend went to see Prince of Persia. I thought it was really good, and I`m definitely going to see it again. My sister is going to buy it when it´s available on DVD, so I´m sure we will watch it a couple of times or more.
I really liked Jake Gyllenhaal as Dastan. I think he did a really good job. And I liked his look, the hair, the clothes. He looked good. And I really liked the character, and I think it was nice to see Jake play a part like that. He was cool and confident.
I also liked Gemma Arteron who plays Tamina. I liked the character, and I think she did a good job.
I think it was impressive when they jumped between rooftops, or between rooftops or down from a building and through a window or something. And I can say that I would not like to try. It looked very cool, and "Dastan" was really good, but I would not like to try.
The movie was quite funny sometimes, like when they were in the Valley of Slaves, or what it was called, and Tamina said something to Dastan and he didn´t know what to say.
I liked the special effects, I think they did a very good job. When they turned back the time, I think that was very nicely done.
I really liked the movie and I want to see it again soon.
I´ve tried not to think about the movie that much, but of course I have thought about it. But if I think too much, I will find something that I recognize, and I think I do recognize some things, even if this was the first time I saw the movie. But it has happened before.

I´m going to Spain!

I was so happy last Thursday when i found out I´m going to Spain in August. It´s with some of the people I work with. Our boss gave it to some of us as a part of the Christmas present. I wasn´t going at first, since I´m only working when they need me and not permanently emplyed. There was only going to be the permanently emplyed who was going to go, but J called last Thursday asn said that I could too. A thank you for working quite a lot, that they can count on me. I say no to work very rarely.
I´ve only been to Norway and Finland before so I´m very excited. And I`m glad that there was no problem getting a few days off from my summer job. But they are nice to deal with, so I never thought there would be any problems.
Now I just need a passport :)

I wish...

I`m listening to a new song by Erik Grönwall, Crash and Burn. And I really like it. He is so damn good, what a voice. I wish I was that good.
And everytime I hear something I really like, see a band or artist that I like that are really good, I wish I was I was that good. And I wish I could work with music, that I was a singer, singing my own songs, or others for that matter. Being on stage. Be someone that I want to be.
I wish....

I wish I could move, start over, be who I could be, be someone. But that´s just dreams.
I feel like I´m too old to change, I should have started 6 (7) years ago, when I was still 20. You can´t turn back time, even though I sometimes wish I was 20 again, with the experience I have now.
I decided to move, but it probably won´t happen. And if it does, I´m probably already 30 years old, and a lot is already too late. Somethings won´t be too late until I´m old, but somethings you want to try now.
I wish.....

I wish I could be who I think I can be. But something is holding me back.
I think that if I was able to be on stage performing, I would be kind of someone else. Casue it would be more of who I want to be I guess. Or what I hope to be. Like some people who are confident and all on stage, and a different person off stage....
I wish...

Recording

I really like the song Strange, and I have listened to it so many time that I almost know it by heart. And I decided to try to record me singing it, and I did. I had to do it a couple of times before I was somewhat satisfied, but I think it turned out okay.At least someone likes it :) I onnly have one comment for the "video", but she liked it, and someone I know that it was good. He still thought I have a very nice voice, but wasn´t sure the song fits me. It will probably sound better with music, but I tried that with In your Shadow I Can Shine but it didn´t turn out so good. It sounded better a cappella, but it usually sounds better with music, so maybe if I can find a karaoke version of Strange I will try.

I will probably ty to record other songs too. But I don´t know if it sounds as good as I want it to be. But there is always someone better, and there is always someone worse...

Strange

Strange by Tokio Hotel feat Kerli is my new favorite song. I just love it! :)
I´ve been listening to it a lot the last week or something. It´s really stuck in my head. I sing it everyday. either in my head or out loud. And when I listen to it I just play it over and over again.
I know at least half the song by heart, but when I sing it to myself I don´t always hold the melody. I`m going to listen to the song until I really know the melody and then try to record it on my computer.
And if I do audition for Swedish "Idol" this year, maybe I will sing that song... It´s a song that I love and I think it suits my voice. At least I hope so :)

Why is everything so complicated

I just decided to move. I´ve felt I need to for a while now, and yesterday I decided to actually do that. I need to move if I´m ever going to try to do all the things I want to do. I can´t do that if I stay here.
I told my parents about it yesterday. And first they thought I should do it. Thought that it was good that I wanted to move and try, I´ve never wanted that before. Partly because I´m very close to my family, my sister is my best friend, and I don´t want to leave them. And I guess I´m afraid of failing, and it´s so much easier to dream, than to actually do it. And dream, I´m the master of that.

But then yesterday, when I had told them I was planning on moving, I was away for a couple of hours and when I came back they had changed their mind. I have a puppy who´s only about 6 months, and I can´t leave him alone a whole day. And what if I have an hour to work, and I have to leave him at a dog day-care and that cost money, and... I had a little breakdown I guess you can say. I had really made up my mind about moving in the fall or something, so I can work a little and get some money before I move. And then they tell me I can´t just because I have a dog. It felt like I´m not supposed to be something. Like I´m not meant to be someone. Just work a little every now and then, stay here, and just not be someone. Just someone that keeps dreaming and wanting things that will never happen.
When I was going to sleep, I had breakdown again. Just because I really feel like I have to move. I have to try to do the things I want to do. I´m not getting any younger, and I´ve been holding myself back for too long. It´s time to do something.
I`ve wanted a dog ever since we had to put the old one to sleep about 7 years ago. And I love my puppy. But, and I know I´m overracting a little bit, but it felt like he was standing in my way, that I can´t move when I have him. I don´t want to wait 13 years when I probably don´t have him anymore. Move then and try doing things then is just a little way too late. And I don´t want to sell him just so I can move.
My parents said that if I stay here, they can help me when I´m at work and stuff. And I know they will, and I understand how they think. But I just got so upset.

I talked to my mom a few minutes ago. And then she asked me how I felt today. And said that if I want to move, I should do that. i can leave the dog with them if I want to. Try to see if I can get an intership at that magazine, like I wanted. But I´m not going to to that. But if they say it´s okay for me to move, and leave the dog with them if I can´t take him with me. i think I will actually move. And hopefully I will be able to take the dog with me.